Friday, July 16, 2010

What the Fuck is Going On With the Incredible Hulk?

Okay, so we have a situation here and it's really pissing me off. The Incredible Hulk is a GREAT comic book character - the strongest, most destructive, most powerful super hero imaginable. Anger only fuels his destructive tendencies and EVERYTHING pisses him off. Back in the day, they made his story into a tv show that was like the opposite of the Littlest Hobo. Not having the technology yet for CGI, they found the biggest motherfucker they could in Lou Ferrigno, painted him green and let him grunt and growl around the small screen every week for 4 years between 1978 and 1982.

The idea of doing a big screen Hulk movie was bouncing around for years, but no one really knew how to do it, so they stuck with animated movies and cartoon shit until advances in CGI made a big screen adaptation possible. Every actor with a penis was considered for the role, but the producers went off the board by picking relatively unknown Aussie comedian Eric Bana. Directed by Ang Lee, co starring Jennifer Connelly and Nick Nolte and with the full force of Industrial Light and Magic doing all the techy stuff, it couldn't lose, right? Except it totally and completely did. Opening weekend it did stellar, racing out to around $62 million box office and then it tanked. I loved the movie - to this day I thought it was one of the best written and edited comic book movies I've ever seen. It jumped the shark however, when the decision was made to have Hulk do battle with a hulked out poodle and then fight his father, who was basically a giant electrical surge. Audiences thought he kinda looked like Shrek and the movie barely made it's money back.

Once Marvel got sick and tired of studios fucking up their product, they formed their own studio and financed a reboot of Hulk, called the Incredible Hulk. This time they got Louis Leterrier to direct (who'd done the first 2 Transporter movies and Unleashed with Jet Li) - a serious fucking downgrade over Ang Lee - and got Edward Norton to play Bruce Banner/Hulk opposite Liv Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth. Instead of fighting a roided out lapdog, he had to fight a bigger, badder monster called Abomination. They made Hulk dirtier, darker, angrier. Marvel had creative control. It couldn't lose, right? Except it did. It opened worse than the Ang Lee version (only $55 million this time), and even though it had a bigger budget, a bankable star, better special effects, a better story, better pacing, more action and was a superior product in every way imaginable, did about exactly the same box office as the first one ($264 million world wide vs $245 million, and the new one cost about $15 million more to make).

Part of the problem was Edward Norton being a prick. Norton is a wonderful actor and I enjoyed him as Bruce Banner and I think he does a pretty decent job in most of the movies he does, however, he is a colossal douchebucket. He decided that since he changed a lot of his dialogue for the movie that he wanted a screenwriting credit, which Marvel didn't want to give him. The screenwriting guild apparently agreed. He fought with the director over editing and wanted a bit more screen time, the studio sided with their director. Rumours of his ego hit the press and put a bit of a negative impression on the film and then he refused to do any promotion while pouting like a little bitch about Marvel the whole time. He says he doesn't do promotion for any of his work but you know what? Suck it up buttercup - as an actor you are paid to whore your wares. Now put on your make up, grab a seat and tell Regis and Kelly how fucking awesome the movie is and stop crying about your artistic sensibilities. Just typing that last paragraph makes me want to kick him in right in the aorta.

So, now Marvel is making the Avengers, which is like the ultimate comic book movie. It will unite Iron Man, Thor (coming May 2011), Captain America (coming later 2011) possibly some other Marvel heroes that haven't yet had movies made about them to do battle with the fucking Hulk. Sweet mother of God that is so awesome. They are going to sink good money after bad, have a ridiculous all star cast, it'll be directed by Joss Whedon - not going to lie, I think I just came a little. But guess who isn't going to be in the Avengers now? Edward fucking Norton. Kevin Feige, the big cheese of Marvel Studios couldn't stand the prima donna arrogant bastard anymore and fired off a statement to an internet rumour site saying he broke off negotiations because money was not the issue with Ed Norton, Ed Norton was the issue. He came right out and said Norton's ego can't fit with an ensemble cast and so they will find another big name actor to play Hulk in the Avengers movie and will announce it in a few weeks.

Edward's agent fired off a response calling Feige an asshole, and saying Norton wanted to be part of an ensemble cast and he's mother Theresa with a cock and balls and Feige is defaming him and a bunch of other shit that someone who is paid to represent you would say when the world finds out what an epic self absorbed spoiled swine you are. Then Norton releases a statement to his "fans" on Facebook saying how grateful he is to have been given the chance to add to the Incredible Hulk legacy and is thrilled they even considered him for the Avengers. What a lying, manipulative, maniacal shitrat They won't let Norton in the editing bay to give himself more screen time than the people who might actually deserve it - the vast majority of the movie will be a CGI Hulk and not a whining pissy Bruce Banner anyway.

The whole dramatic episode threatens to derail the mojo of what can possibly be either the greatest comic book movie ever, or the biggest sack of shit I will ever spend a lot of time and money watching, owning and writing about. Now the speculation is rampant and once again, every actor with a penis is up for the role. Nathan Fillion, Joaquin Phoenix. Eric Bana again (please god no). David Tennent. Norton thinks that on set conflict keeps his movies from banality. Really? Have you ever watched Death to Smoochy? Rounders? Territorial pissing matches and power trips won't stop a movie from crapping out, it leads to studio heads publicly calling you an asshole and losing parts in blockbuster movies that have the potential to be a generation defining product.

All this hissy fit has accomplished is to lay waste to continuity in the Marvel movie universe, to vomit all over the potential of the Incredible Hulk ever being a successful franchise and cementing Norton's legacy as an egomaniacal prick. He was a very good Bruce Banner, but he will always be a rat faced bastard.

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