Satanas

I am not a religious guy. People are free to believe what they want to believe just don’t try and tell me I am wrong for not believing it too. Having said that, stories about angels and demons and the devil and shit fascinates the heck out of me. A movie with the word Satan as its’ title? You bet your Ronnie James Dio I’m watching it!

But then I actually watched it. And now I sort of wish I hadn’t. The devil in this movie is in the details. A crazy chick kills her children because she thinks that’s what her padre wanted her to do. The padre can’t live up to his vow of chastity and after a night of shameful wanking before his Lord, succumbs to temptation and nails his housekeeper. An OCD ex army guy is tutoring a hot young girl in English by getting her to read English novels but is too scared of germs to get laid, and the pressure is mounting. A hot chick working in a plaza gets recruited by some petty thugs to use her sex appeal to rip off single guys in night clubs. Goes pretty well for her until she gets raped ...

What is with foreign films and rape anyway? They LOVE just throwing it up there on the screen, I swear to god. In the last movie I reviewed, the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, the female protagonist gets raped twice before helping the male protagonist track down a serial rapist/murderer. Then I put in this piece of shit, and before I know it there’s some poor woman getting bent over a work bench by a pair of dudes thinking her vagina was a consolation prize for her not having any money to steal.

Please, future and current filmmakers: no one needs to see this. Implied rape is every bit as awful without showing all the gory details. It is not artistic, it is merely a tool to shock your audience and it is a terrible thing to put your actors through. I don’t care what the theme of your movie is or what you think artistic license means – rape is not art.

Oh, great. As I wrote that last sentence, OCD dude just flipped out and squirted in his shorts while stabbing that teen girl to death. How delightful. This movie has all kinds of fucking and violence and pretty much every sin is covered except for gluttony. I guess there’s no fatties in Columbia ... and now he’s burning his mother after shooting her in the forehead. Jesus Christ.

The movie sucks for a lot of reasons, the most prominent being there is a lot of short scenes and jumping from storyline to storyline in the first hour, making the pacing very choppy which artificially lengthens the film. By the time it settles down and gains a bit of focus, it’s on the knife raping OCD mother murdering dipshit ... wait a minute ... did I just watch the child killing bitch from the opening scene buck naked squatting in her jail cell pissing right in front of me? Why yes. I certainly did. And she wiped herself with a page from the Holy Bible and if she didn’t eat it, she at least sniffed it. Wow.

Killing spree!! I call balls on this. The movie is supposed to be about the Pozzetto Massacre of 1986. Okay, that covers Captain Hand Sanitizer and his little six shooter. The priest? The chick who just squatted and pissed in front of me? The fucking and the rape and all that other bullshit? Irrelevant. This makes me want to punch the director right in his pituitary gland. Satanas is a blunt, ugly, excessive and graphic waste of film. And it pisses me off that Satan does not at least have a cameo.

I rate this “film” 1 out of 10