Percy Jackson & the Olympians: the Lightning Thief

I pretty much hated everything about school. Elementary school, junior high, senior high – it all sucked. I hated my teachers, I hated the way I was treated by classmates, I hated the lengths I would go to just to try and fit in. Every subject was agony – boring, didactic, dreadful. Every subject but history, that is. History ignited my imagination, and the farther back in time we went, the more engaged it seemed I was. Percy Jackson & the Olympians: the Lightning Thief is like an intellectual warm hug. It welcomes me back to the lone highlight of my craptacular high school education.

The movie begins with a rooftop summit at the Empire State Building between Zeus (Sean Bean) and Poseidon (Kevin McKidd). Zeus is pissed because some asshole stole his lightning, and he blames the bastard son of Poseidon. He lays down the law: give me back my lightning or there will be war. Poseidon puffs himself up like a blowfish and swears if Zeus pushes him he’s in for the fight of his life. Zeus does not seem concerned, and gives him a deadline of 14 days.

Now we meet Percy Jackson. His best friend is a cripple, he appears to be dyslexic, he’s been diagnosed with ADHD, and he frikkin LOVES water, man. His mom (played by Catherine Keener) is shacking up with a colossal stinky douchebag (Joe Pantoliano) and so his life is pretty much typical for today’s average teenager. Until he goes on a class trip to a Museum with wheelchair jockey Pierce Brosnan. He notices that he can read the ancient Greek inscriptions on the exhibits, and then he gets attacked by some weird flying ... thing ... that used to be one of his teachers.

Now that the shit has hit the fan, Percy learns he is not your typical bastard child. No sir, he is the bastard child of a god. And his cripple friend, isn’t a cripple at all. Nope, he’s a goat boy (mythologically known as a Satyr). Pierce Brosnan is no ordinary wheelchair jockey either. He’s a Centaur. Now this magical world is slowly unveiling itself and I could not be more giddy. Percy needs to learn how to unlock his powers (he is a demi-god after all), find Zeus’ lightning, rescue his mother, who gets kidnapped by Hades (played by Steve Coogan), and prevent a war. No problem.

Overall, I loved this movie. I appreciated the sense of adventure, its’ geeky devotion to mythology, and the special effects were killer. Watching it I thought it must have been the most expensive movie I had barely heard about. Somehow they pulled it off on a budget of $95 million (Superman Returns, by comparison, cost roughly $209 million). It illustrates how one can kick heavenly ass by controlling water, and I think that deserves a shout out. The scene where they explore the underworld was breathtaking. Plus Steve Coogan looks like a roadie for Motorhead, which is exactly how I want the god of the underworld to look.

What didn’t work so well was Uma Thurman as Medusa. She obviously studied from the Paul Giamatti school of overacting in preparation for this role. Rosario Dawson as Percepholis was wasted. She had little to work with and pushed it a bit as well. Some of the special effects did not work quite so well – particularly when ginormous gods are put together with puny humanfolk. Looked a little Xena Warrior Princess to me.

Bottom line, buy this movie. Love this movie. Hope they make more.

7.5 bolts of lightning out of 10