Howard the Duck

Ah, Howard the Duck. In my time, I have seen some truly magnificent pieces of shit - Elektra, Dolph Lundgren's Masters of the Universe, Superman IV: Quest for Peace - but none can truly measure up to this feathered turd. I can only assume that George Lucas did a lot of coke in the 80's, or at least I hope he did, when he reached the conclusion that this was the film that would make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. If not, he must have had some kind of horrific head injury.

Howard the Duck is actually from the Marvel Universe - yes, that Marvel - and first appeared in comic book form back in December 1973, playing a background annoyance in the Man-Thing storyline. For some reason, he got his own comic in 1976. In the early to mid 80's, Lucas, coming off the crazy awesome success of the Star Wars trilogy and the first Indiana Jones movie, spent a massive amount of money building Skywalker Ranch and feasting on the dreams of adolescent boys everywhere. He needed another hit to refill the bank account and went looking to Marvel Comics for inspiration. With a catalog of characters including Wolverine, Spider-man, the Incredible Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor, he came across Howard the god damned Duck and thought "Money!"

The movie opens to a shots of a big city that looks a lot like New York, and cuts to an interior shot of a silhouetted character coming home to a small dingy apartment. But this is not New York, and this is not an ordinary crappy New York apartment. No, we are in Marshington, DC on the planet Duckworld. There's an Indiana Jones style poster on the wall, but it's not Harrsion Ford - it's a duck dressed up to look like him! Oh how clever. Or whatever the exact opposite of that is.

Then things get creepy. It starts with a naughty voicemail from a horny lady duck, then a pornographic magazine (duck side boob), then he gets sucked back through space and crashes through a female duck's bathroom meaning now there's full frontal duck titties, and finally we see him hurtling toward what can only be described as an asshole in space. If this sounds awful, it's because it really really is. And then it gets worse.

After travelling through the big pink space sphincter, he floats through regular space, and then enters another giant space anus and lands in Cleveland, which has been described as America's toilet. Now, keep in mind this was filmed back in 85/86, so we're at the height of the hair spray craze. This is where we are introduced to Lea Thompson, whose hair loosely resembles Chewbacca's pubic patch, as an aspiring rocker who meets Howard in a back alley after a gig. Brutally inane dialogue ensues and she takes him back to her place. A few lazy sight gags, more inane conversation and bad acting, and so on and so forth.

Did you know Tim Robbins was in this movie? Do you think he knows? I don't. In one of the most embarrassing performances ever captured on film (we're talking Madonna level bad ... hell, even Sylvester Stallone in Stop or My Mom Will Shoot! bad), the very young future Oscar winner shows none of the talent, wit, intelligence or depth one now associates with his work. Believe it or not, he was actually nominated for a Razzi and LOST for this role ... Jerome Benton took the prize that year and has been in 4 movies no one ever heard of since. Tim Robbins got to have sex with Susan Sarandon for 20 years and make millions of dollars. Life is so unfair ...

Now, so far, the movie is straight forward - it's terrible, but the story is moving along - Lea Thompson is going to help Howard find out how he got to earth and try to get him home with the help of her lab assistant doofus pal Robbins, when we hit a snag. In comes child porn enthusiast Jeffrey Jones, an astrophysicist whose experiment opened the intergalactic space sphincter that brought Howard here. When he tries to repeat the procedure, it accidentally brings a space demon from another dimension who takes over Jones' body and mind. *Sigh*

I'm sorry, if I discuss anymore of the plot, I will hang myself with a shoelace. As it is I skipped over the scene where Lea Thompson, wearing skimpy pink panties and a silk half tank top, tries to "jokingly" seduce her other worldly visitor; the appearance of a very young, well follicled Paul Guilfoyle playing a cop (who'da thunk it?); Howard's job working at a sex club, and the special effects sequence that looks like it was rendered on an etch a sketch.

The movie is horribly written, the acting would shame an amateur porn star, the concept was ill conceived and it's very production was a cynical ploy to part stupid people from their money. Howard's voice annoys the crap out of me, there were 9 midgets who sold their soul to squeeze into a ridiculous looking duck suit and humiliate themselves in front of actors who were clearly desperate for work. This movie is a test of endurance, a slow motion train wreck that is never as awesome or as bad as you want it to be. Whenever you think you've seen the worst movie ever, watch this one and re-examine your position. EVERY movie after this looks like a masterpiece.

I rate this 0.5 out of 10